Mom Myths Dispelled ... Don't Believe Everything You Read!
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me,
A partridge in a pear tree …
Two turtledoves …
Yadda, yadda …
Twelve drummers drumming …
“The 12 Days of Christmas” needs a 21st century makeover. Today’s women — especially mothers — would see the writing on their to-do lists: buy birdfeed, earplugs, wash leaping lords’ tights, etc. And, it would require more than five rings to inspire modern gals to take the gift-disguised bait, unless milking maids do windows … and pheasant.
Conversely, “The 12 Misconceptions of Mom” is a genuine gift to momkind. Let’s include with holiday cards, post on Facebook, refrigerators and dispel eternally maternal myths for good.
Mom Misconception (MM) #1: Moms like shopping. Playing The Price is Right at Kroger comparing values, scouring coupons or going into hock for school supplies, sports equipment, brand-specific deodorant and hair products? Nope.
MM #2: Staying home with kids is easier than the 9 to 5 grind. Not even if the job’s been featured on Discovery Channel’s Dirty Jobs! This archaic male-disseminated propaganda is false, and dads risk wife and limb just thinking it.
MM #3: Moms miss their kids. For a semester abroad? Certainly. During school hours or play dates? We survive weekday morning wardrobe meltdowns, food fights, last-minute homework scrambles. Once our ears adapt to the odd sound of silence, we survive this, too.
MM #4: Moms who pack balanced lunches foster healthy children. And Baby Einstein fosters mathematicians. Moms can provide “healthy,” but kids have to partake for it to foster anything. Yet, just like we complete countless annual school forms knowing they’re probably read only if necessary, moms pack veggies knowing they’re a hard sell/trade in the lunchroom, so eating them may become necessary.
MM #5: Moms lack a sense of smell. Though it’s true that we’re able to hold hair and rub backs while inhuman odors rise from a child’s potpourri of bodily functions, our other hands are holding our noses as we dry heave behind the kid and wonder, “Where’s dad?”
MM #6: Moms love volunteering. Sending napkins with our students? Happy to! Assisting in child No. 3’s classroom? Uh, what about napkins? Parents, whose kids resemble shrunken dictators when Mom’s doling out cupcakes, need Get out of volunteering free cards. Besides, it’s not volunteering when there’s a mandatory signup sheet. Newsflash: Moms volunteer their services 24/7.
MM #7: Moms need the 411. Unless children (or newbie moms) require special accommodations, moms only want the 911. Note to sitters, teachers, coaches: No news is good news, don’t call us, we’ll call you. Unless the SWAT team’s involved, limit the play-by-play.
MM #8: Moms like summer break. Moms with second jobs take on third jobs scheduling activities for kids until they get home. The rest of us endure nearly three months of “What are we doing today?” And, although I prefer classic rock, “She’s/He’s touching me! I’m telling!” is usually played throughout our house from mid-May to August. Family vacations (oxymoron alert!) to the beach are code for cleaning sand from crevices besides our own and laundry for days.
MM #9: Moms don’t mind holding things. What is it about us that screams “hand us your stuff?” We also mind bread ends and burnt toast. We only take them for the same reason we forego pieces of bacon, pie, cake, sanity — any piece to keep the peace!
MM #10: Moms know everything. Almost everything. We know the right stroller, top school and best bloodstain remover, but “Why does that lady look like Shrek?” and “How come they’re called Jolly Ranchers?” are stumpers. Smart moms now answer, “Google it.”
MM #11: Good moms’ lives revolve around their kids. Define lives. Do children come first? Always. Is every second in their sticky company miraculous? Not always. Even Mother Teresa would’ve needed girls’ nights out to relax … and a reason to shave her legs.
MM #12: Because we have kids, we like all kids. I love Marines, but I don’t want to join the Corps.