Want a Cup?

I’m all for trying new things, but when I first heard about the latest “innovation in feminine hygiene protection,” also known as The Diva Cup, a little voice inside me (the prissy one with the British accent) flat out told me, “there is no bloody chance.”

Billed as the “revolutionary alternative to tampons and pads,” the Diva Cup is a reusable menstrual receptacle you insert by hand and leave in place for up to 12 hours of collection.

TWELVE HOURS OF COLLECTION? Yikes.

A lot can happen in 12 hours. And I’m not referring to the running, biking, hiking, dancing, camping, swimming, diving, scuba, yoga and extreme sports the Diva Cup website says you’ll finally be able to enjoy worry-free once you are the proud owner of your very own Diva Cup.

Indeed, my friends who are fans admit the Diva Cup is not for the squeamish. “You need to be very comfortable with your body and what all goes on up inside there,” said one, gesturing mysteriously with her hands in a fashion I found rather alarming.

“Do you cover your eyes when you watch crime scene dramas?” asked another.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

So why, given those ringing endorsements, would I even consider the Diva Cup?

Money, for one. Tampons are expensive. Especially when 50 percent of them self-deploy at the bottom of my purse. One $30 Diva Cup is all you need, which makes it affordable and eco-friendly. Compare the cup-wielding diva to the average woman, who recklessly chucks hundreds of tampons and pads per year, and there’s no doubt the Diva Cup holder scores major points with Mother Earth.

But it’s one thing to save the planet, and it’s another to walk around carrying a shot glass in your vagina.

I’m not sure my lady parts have that kind of confidence. They’ve always been a little shy. Part of me feels like if I got caught wearing a Diva Cup, the authorities might pull me over and ask to see my diva license.

Ma’am, are you licensed and registered to wear a cup of this nature in the state of Tennessee?

Officer, please! I was just running out to the store for some flax seed and organic goat yogurt! I left my diva license lying on my meditation mat, right next to my moon crystals, I swear!

Who knows? Maybe the Diva Cup revolution is the perfect opportunity for me to nurture my inner goddess.

Or maybe it’s just not her Cup of tea.