No childhood is perfect, but when I reflect on my Christmas memories, I must admit that most of them are pretty darn good. My mom was always big on holidays, so for me and my little brother, Christmas meant stringing popcorn, baking cookies, making handmade ornaments, watching The Grinch Who Stole Christmas and going caroling. (My mom is generally a pretty quiet person, but for some reason, she’s close to obnoxious when it comes to door-to-door caroling!)
    As I sit here, a few weeks away from another Christmas, there are moments when I wonder if fate has played some sort of cosmic joke on me. Twelve years ago, my mother moved to South Africa, and when she did, a lot of my Christmas spirit did too. While I come from a pretty large family, we don’t exactly exchange warm fuzzies and holiday cheer. My father lives in Dallas, and his definition of “heavenly peace” is his mom — my grandmother — not nagging him to come to San Antonio to visit. My father’s father lives in Huntsville, but he and his family almost always fly south or west for the holidays, usually telling me after the fact. My mom’s parents are both deceased, which leaves my brother, who went to South Africa to record a six-week project more than three years ago. And then there’s me, a 34-year-old woman with no husband or children to speak of (although I do find myself wondering about them often).
    Sounds pretty depressing, right? Maybe a little, but being single during the holidays can have its benefits, especially when you have family living overseas. December has brought trips to South Africa, which is in the midst of summer in December. If not there, then London. There is nothing quite like the UK in the wintertime. Granted traveling during peak season, is not always the best thing to do financially, and flying umpteen hours (14 to South Africa and seven to London) doesn’t always coincide with my work schedule.
    Yeah, I have friends, and sometimes they invite me over, but it’s kind of like being the last person chosen for the kickball team: You always wonder if they’re calling you over to “their side” so you won’t feel like such a loser. Maybe it’s me, but Christmas is about family. Friends, even if they seem like family, are more for New Year’s Eve.
    And, here I am, trying not to hyperventilate over the hypotheticals of it all: Am I going to be all alone this year? Should I tell people that I don’t have plans? What if I encounter another disappointment like last year? (Christmas was really bad last year!) Right now, my energies are focused on two major projects, but I must admit that when I walk into a mall and see all of the Christmas decorations, I find myself wondering, “When will I have a husband to buy corny sweaters for?” and “When will I have a child to stand in line with for hours on end to take a picture with Santa?” (Only to tell them on the way home, “He’s a cool dude, but Mommy and Daddy buy the gifts.” My mom was never big on the jolly St. Nick hype ... I don’t blame her.)
    Ugh. Just the thought of it all makes me understand the bitterness of Scrooge. Sometimes, when you’re used to being alone, you push people away. Sure I miss the Christmases that I used to know. However, I have come to accept that if I let the Ghost of Christmas Past continue to haunt me, I won’t ever be able to create new traditions for the present in preparation for my future. I mean, what if I never have a family of my own (perish the thought!)? Should I spend the rest of my December 25ths on the couch, in the dark, cell phone off, with Chinese take-out while watching the 24-hour TBS marathon of “A Christmas Story”? Surely fate can’t be that cruel.
    And you know what? It’s not. Complacency is cruel. Self-loathing is cruel. Wishing instead of acting can be cruel. Accepting less when you want more, all the while believing that less is what’s destined for you ... that’s cruel. And so, starting this year, I’ve decided to create some new traditions for myself ... some “Even-If-I’m-Single-Forever,-Christmas-Is-Going-to-Be-Off-the-Hook-For-Me-No-Matter-What” traditions.
    What does that consist of? Well, I’m still working on it, but already, by just deciding to see the glass of egg nog as “half full,” ideas are snowballing.
    For one, since my family is out of town, no one really expects me to buy them anything. The money that would normally go to gifts, this year, I think I am going to put towards treating myself. I’m going to schedule a mani and pedi and a massage and leave a little money leftover to splurge at two of my favorite stores: Target and Victoria’s Secret.
    For my “like family” friends, I am going to make paper ornaments and write on them something that I will do for them, free of charge, throughout the upcoming year. That gives me time to budget out some additional cash while still making them feel special and appreciated (at least, I hope it will).
    I’m going to pick two charities. To one, I will donate my time the week before Christmas, and to another, I will make an anonymous donation. I’m also going to pick up some coats from a local thrift store and pass them out to houseless people. (I don’t like the term “homeless.” You can be in a mansion and still feel homeless.)
    And, I think I will actually book a plane ticket. Only it won’t be on South African Airways, but rather Southwest. Remember how I said my family isn’t the best about the warm fuzzies? I’ve always hated that, but the epiphany I just had is that I’m a big girl now. If there’s something I don’t like, I can change it. I have two cousins who I haven’t seen since they were babies. They are now 17, and their mother is gravely ill. I send them stuff from time to time, but I know how I felt at their age, wondering why my “older-and-should-know-better” family members wouldn’t come to Nashville to see me ... why they thought $25 in a card was good enough.
    So, I think I’ll go surprise them. I have no idea what their Christmas memories are like, but I know my family well enough to know that there is always room for improvement; that when it comes to feeling the love of your loved ones, there’s no such thing as overkill.
    Wow! Already my spirits are lifting, and I haven’t even done anything yet. I guess I’m just seeing a side of single that I’ve never really thought about before. If I had a husband and children, I wouldn’t be able to have a spa day on a whim or donate as much of my time to charity, and I definitely wouldn’t be able to just pick up and go somewhere I’ve never gone before (not if I’m a good wife and mother, anyway). Hmph. I think sometimes I focus so much on the “alone” side of singleness that I never really think about the freedom that comes with having this kind of relational status; the joy that can come from giving to someone that I neglect throughout the year more than I should: me.
    Now, don’t get me wrong. I long for the day when I can’t sleep past 6 a.m. because my children are jumping on my bed, excited to see what Santa ... I mean, I ... bought them. But for now, I’m gonna assume that fate loves me enough to let me put me first ... that Christmas cheer is about not letting life dictate how to celebrate this special time and that putting myself on the top of the give list is OK.
    Christmas may not be so bad after all. Just keep me clear of the mistletoe (and my great-grandmother who always wants to know when I’m gonna give her a great-great grand) and we should be all good.