“Could You Pass a Driving Test?” the colorful web banner taunted. Huh? Huh? Couldya? Could I pass a driving test? Pff. Please. I am a seasoned driver.
While my inner Valedictorian smoothed the wrinkles from her skirt, cracked her dainty knuckles, and braced for the customary ace, I clicked over to the Web site and quickly answered all 18 official driving test questions.
Miserably! My final score was a pitiful 56 percent.
It’s a good thing I already have my license, I thought. A good thing for me, anyway. The rest of you might want to take caution.
Now before we go any further, a spoiler alert: I’m about to reveal the answers to some of the trickier exam questions. Questions that, in my opinion, were completely unfair.
Shut up! I’m serious! They were.
Completely Unfair Question #1: In what circumstances do pedestrians have the right of way?
— At all times
— Only at marked (painted) crosswalks
— Only at intersections
— At crosswalks and intersections regardless if the crosswalk is marked (painted) or not
Between my career in advertising, where the customer is always right, and my life in East Nashville, where the drunks tottering haphazardly across Gallatin Avenue are so clearly not right, the only logical and humane answer is A: Pedestrians have the right of way at all times. Safety first, right?
WRONG. The correct answer is D. Only at crosswalks and intersections. Sorry, Mr. Jaywalker clutching your Colt 45. Better luck crossing the street next time! VROOM.
Completely Unfair Question #2: When following behind a fire truck, you may follow no closer than:
— 150 feet
— 300 feet
— 500 feet
— 1,000 feet
What do I look like, an engineer? Until cars come with little pink tape measures that shoot out of their fronts, I move to discontinue this line of questioning. The correct answer (as if knowing it will in any way help you adhere to the law) is C: 500 feet. Five hundred feet! Can you even see a fire truck from 500 feet without binoculars? And what do firemen need with all that real estate behind them? They’re just being greedy if you ask me.
This next one surprised me: About what percentage of collisions involves alcohol?
— 10 percent
— 15 percent
— 20 percent
— 40 percent
I gave humanity the benefit of the doubt here, guessing a mere 15 percent. The correct answer, however, is D) 40 percent.
But I’m sure you’re fine to drive. Yikes.
How about this one: What’s the speed limit in school zones when the speed limit is not otherwise posted?
— 15 mph
— 20 mph
— 25 mph
— 30 mph
Without hesitation I answered A: 15 mph, because where there are school zones, there are crossing guards. And on a scale of one to terrifying, crossing guards are right up there with mimes and sad clowns. A wise woman doesn’t put her foot anywhere near the accelerator when a crossing guard is present. In fact, if she knows what’s good for her, she’ll pretend she doesn’t even have feet. But alas, the correct answer happens to be B: KILL THE CHILDREN.
Where is Sally Struthers when we need her?
And how many times must I be penalized for putting the safety of my fellow humans above the law? If anything, I should be getting extra credit for my incorrect answers.
Or at least a patent for my pink tape measure idea.
February is American Heart Month, a time to raise awareness for the leading cause of death in American women: heart disease. And perhaps no one will be sporting her red more proudly than 20-year-old Nashvillian Nykia Babb.
To read this and other Her Well-Being stories, click here.