A New Leaf

Here are some New Year's resolutions I hope you'll consider.

If you’re going to use your turn signal (and I highly recommend that you do!), please do so in order to indicate that you are going to turn, not that you have completed a turn. It’s an indicator light. Not a memoir.

If you are interviewed in a glossy women’s magazine and asked the secret of your freakishly svelte physique, do not credit a diet of “long walks, fresh air, and plenty of laughter.” The correct answer is “I take long walks and eat nothing but fresh air,” followed by a bout of maniacal laughter.

If I arrive at a four-way stop before you, do not wave me to go ahead as if you are offering me a presidential pardon. IT WAS MY TURN.

If I arrive at a four-way stop after you, WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? Go!

If you’re going to pick your nose while you drive, you should turn up the radio and use your thumb instead of your index finger. Surely we won’t be able to see you then.

If you are a waiter in a restaurant that offers free refills, you will wait until I’ve taken a sip of my first drink before setting a two-liter refill on the table. I am not a camel.

However …

If I quickly finish my second refill, you will not bug your eyes out and shriek, “Wow! SOMEONE’S THIRSTY TODAY!”

If you are Gwyneth Paltrow and you share your favorite recipes in a monthly E-newsletter, you can stop using words like “AMAZING” and “BRILLIANT” and “FOOD ETHOS.” They’re “CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES” with “WALNUTS.” Even if you did make them in Madonna’s kitchen.

If I purchase something with cash, you will return my change coins first (so the coins can nestle safely in my palm) and bills second (so that I can secure the bills with my fingers). Oh who am I kidding? No you won’t. You will continue to lay the bills flat across my hand like a jute rug so there is no way in hell I can catch all the coins as they slither off the bills and onto the dirty floor.

And finally ...

If you’re walking around Opry Mills, and you decide to abandon your New Year’s resolutions so that your mouth may enter into a sexual relationship with a funnel cake, PLEASE MOVE ONTO THE SHOULDER so others may pass.

Thank you, and Happy New Year!