Love for Sale: Buyer Beware
Sheryl Crow said love is free, but I’m starting to wonder. This email from Match.com appeared in my inbox today: “Love is on sale: save 25% this fall!” Then there was my recent run-in with a singles group we’ll call “Happenings & Activities” for purposes of this story.
Lately I’ve been hearing these radio ads for Happenings & Activities: “We organize the activities and gather the quality singles in one place, literally setting the scene for you to fall in love.” By the end of the ad I’m envisioning myself horseback riding through a grassy field alongside a healthy selection of male singles, or playfully tossing cooked spaghetti at a cutie in a cooking class, or sharing nachos-built-for-two with a hunky hockey fan at a Predators game.
So I Google “Happenings & Activities” and see — what fun! — a pub crawl scheduled for Saturday. Without further ado, I dial 1-800-LUV4SAL.
“Happenings & Activities!” a perky voice greets me. “We’re not a dating service, we’re an activities club! How can I help you?”
“I was wondering about your pub crawl in Nashville on Saturday? Where should I meet everyone?”
“One moment, please.” Sounds of typing. “A Nashville rep will call you as soon as I let her know there’s another love-starved sucker who’s fallen for our ad.”
Three minutes later a woman with a Northern accent and an out-of-state area code rings up: “Hello, this is Rhonda from Happenings & Activities Nashville! I understand you’ve inquired about membership.”
“Erm, I just wanted to know where the pub crawl starts on Saturday ... ”
“Are you single?”
“Yes.”
“How old are you?”
“Oh, I’m of age.”
“But how old are you?”
“I’m in my 30s.”
“Wonderful! You’re in our target age range of 30 to 55! All the old men will love you. Now, why are you still single? Which of these categories fits you best: 1.) Too picky; 2.) Workaholic hermit; 3.) Men … who needs em?; 4.) Needy and jealous; 5.) Chronic halitosis; or 6.) Just plain ugly?”
I breathe into my hand to test my breath. “One and two, I guess.”
“Mmm-hmmmmm.” Sounds of typing. “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a lawyer.”
“Good, good($$$$$).” Sounds of typing. “And you live in … (pause) … Knoxville, I mean, Nashville?”
“Yes.”
“Knoxville, I mean, Nashville has a very active group. Very Happening, very Active.”
“How many members are in Nashville’s group? And how many are women?”
“We’ll be happy to divulge that information at your in-office interview. Now, when can we set that up?”
“My in-office interview? Say … wait a minute. Is there a cost associated with this?”
“We’ll discuss that at the in-office interview.”
“Can you give me a ballpark? Is it, say, Match.com expensive or Lunch Dates expensive?”
“I can’t divulge that information over the phone. As a lawyer, you surely can understand that if I divulged the terms now, you’d consider it an offer for a contract, and if we find out you’re a serial killer during the in-office interview but you accept our offer, we’re stuck with you, and then you could kill off half our group, and we’d be held legally responsible.”
“I don’t see how telling me the fee is making an offer.”
“Listen, honey, the fee is for your benefit. It weeds out the poor schmucks who can’t afford to take you to the movies. Don’t you want someone who can afford you?”
“But I’ve been out with lots of rich schmucks who make me pay. Anyway, what does this fee cover?”
“The privilege of joining our exclusive organization of singles who are too lazy to leave their couches to go out in public for free but are expected to fork over loads of dough and summon the energy to attend our Happenings & Activities. There’s also the small matter of monthly dues and the entry fee for each individual Happening & Activity. But once you pay the bank-breaking sign-up fee that locks you in for years, that last part will seem like pocket change.”
“Did you say the membership is locked in for years?”
“We’ll go over that at your interview after you’ve signed on the dotted line but were too lazy to read the fine print.”
“What if I meet someone during the first month and no longer need your services?”
“Oh, you can terminate your membership if you get married.”
“But what if I’m the type of person who doesn’t marry someone the day after I meet him?”
“Maybe that’s why you’re still single. Too picky, remember? Anyway, you and your partner will both have the benefit of belonging to the club, so you can continue to engage in our Happenings & Activities together.”
“So the single people in your club may not be single after all?”
“A small detail we can discuss at the in-person interview. By the way, we’ll also need a brain scan, your mother’s maiden name, your checking account number, and a urine sample.”
“Can I think about it?”
“What’s there to think about? Honey, this is love we’re talking about. Love is priceless.”
