Chin Up

Logging into Facebook, you look up a current friend and emote a staccato intake of breath, followed by a tiny whimper. Your head tilts slightly to the left; this can’t be right. You type in the name again just to be sure — uh oh, lady, you’ve been de-friended.

Suddenly, a sinking feeling. Was it someone you poked? Something you said? Maybe you should have thought twice before updating your status with that snarky comment about who you voted for/against/love/hate/just saw at Whole Foods.

“Are you kidding me?!” you scream at your laptop. “We used to work/room/run/play/study/drink together! And we still have 58 friends in common!”

Within minutes, you’ve found a way to blame yourself for the loss of this “friend.” Within the hour, you realize your feelings are actually hurt. You might even be a little angry, and at the very least, you want to know why you got the axe.

Social networking sites are an experiment in popularity and a test of our self-esteem. Yep, Facebook is high school all over again, sans wine coolers.

Remember your mindset back then? You wanted to present yourself well, receive birthday remembrances and supportive greetings, hear complimentary comments about your accomplishments and, of course, be accepted by lots and lots of friends.

A girlfriend of mine recently shot a newly ex-Facebook friend a note inquiring about the basis of their virtual friendship’s demise. The ex-friend simply confirmed the fact that they are no longer pixel pals, but hinted that they might still be friends in person.

“I don’t begin to know what the weirdness is about,” says the e-snubbed. “I only know about the giant bruise on my ego, and I thought I was too dang old to have these experiences … and feelings reminiscent of middle and high school.”

She’s not alone: thousands of innocent Facebookers (including me!) are de-friended every day.

I’m kinda glad.

You know how I feel about your online reputation: if you don’t take care of it, no one else will. You have every right to friend, de-friend, grant limited access to and downright block people if you want. And you should!

Kind of like deciding which kids sit at your lunch table, Facebook allows you to pick and choose your friends, groups, events and who gets to know what about your personal life.

Keep in mind that folks’ uses of Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, and the like vary widely and are always evolving. You might have 2,000 Facebook friends because, in your opinion, Facebook is the new LinkedIn. “The more the merrier!” you might say. But I might only want 80 of my actual friends on Facebook and will save LinkedIn for my virtual Rolodex because I don’t want to mix the two. “Who knows what photos folks will tag of me?” I’ll worry.

Have no qualms about how you tend to your virtual garden. Feel free to click and choose with wild abandon! It’s only when you become one of the Mean Girls — rude, obnoxious, hurtful, or condescending — that we have a problem.

Two real examples: Certainly you may remove a gal from your Facebook roster, but there is no need to pass her an accompanying note detailing why she is a horrible person.

It’s OK to ignore a Dude’s LinkedIn request, but respect that if you click “I don’t know this person,” you’ve now called him a liar AND convinced LinkedIn he’s a spammer.

As it was in our formative years, when in doubt, channel your mother’s wisdom: choose your friends wisely but always remember The Golden Rule.

To the recently e-snubbed: you’re better off anyway. Do you really want to censor your Facebook status updates for fear of being de-friended?

Oh sure, Facebook may be like high school, but it doesn’t have to be. Cut the emotion out of it and just be you. It’s your wall, after all, and you’ll post if you want to. W