Beauty Uncensored: Unhappy Holidays
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I spent a memorable Christmas break during college working at a mall lingerie store. Not only did I have to put up with men asking for my help in finding appropriately slutty sweet nothings for their sweethearts (miraculously, all of their S.O.s were “about my size”), but after Christmas, I also had to handle the exchanges of the all lingerie I’d sold, generally trading out the see-through stretch lace for comfy pairs of waffle-weave pajamas.
Ever since then, I’ve realized that as far as retailers are concerned, Christmas is the season for tacky lingerie that most likely will never actually be worn. With that in mind allow me to present to you some of the most extraordinarily horrific offerings on the market right now.
A Brazilian designer is currently offering a set of technologically enhanced underthings, complete with a GPS tracker that allows jealous lovers to trace their girlfriends or wives whereabouts (or should I say wearabouts?) at all times. Not surprisingly, GPS lingerie hasn’t been a hot seller- at $800, you’re better off hiring a private investigator to track down Miss Thang.
If your man constantly asks you to pretend like you’re a firefighter in bed, well I think that’s a little weird. But guess what? He’s not alone! Frederick’s of Hollywood actually offers a fireman, er, woman costume for those couples who are desperate to keep that flame alive. Or keep the home fire burning. Or… well, you know what I mean.
Nothing says “holidays” quite like this Santa’s Bitch T-shirt and thong, designed by a company curiously named Elegant Moments and sold on www.discountstripper.com.
Of course, it’s only fair to admit the whole inspiration for this column- The C-String. After an alert reader sent in the website address to Her Nashville, I ordered myself one that very same day. I mean, the versatility of this thing is amazing- According to the website, I could wear it in the bedroom or on the beach!
When the C-string arrived, I have to admit, I was repulsed. The whole thing is basically a crotch underwire covered with cheap fabric, therefore it can only be hand washed. Ew. That night, I tried mine on while my husband was getting ready for bed. Then I took a look in the mirror.
People, I’ve done a lot of things for this column. I’ve worn a Snuggie in public. I’ve videoed myself using a Neti Pot. I’ve had hot wax applied in places I can’t even mention here. But I would not, could not let my husband see me in a C-String. It was just too… stupid.
I can only imagine the looks on the faces of the women who receive their own C-String for Christmas. Horror. Fear. Humiliation. The C-String is a marriage-ender, people. And I doubt they take returns.
But before anyone files those divorce papers, consider this. It’s a little something I like to call…
Revenge.
It comes in the form of this Christmas Elephant Pouch, available now at Best Line Lingerie. I think it’s the perfect present for the man in your life who won’t take no for an answer when it comes to tacky lingerie at Christmas time. If you have any doubts as to whether this man-thong will put your husband in a properly repentant frame of mind, consider the fact that even the model covered his face for this photo. Place your orders now, girls, because this one won’t last long.
Happy Holidays, ladies. May your days be merry and bright … and may all your lingerie fit right.
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Comments
Damn another idea that I missed the boat on. I could have invented the C-string, as I have mistakenly put my pantyliner on the wrong way, making it stick to my women bits and looking EXACTLY like the C-string, if only I had looked at it through the eyes of a tacky lingerie marketer, I could have made a million, err well more like a couple of bucks.
My husband would totally go for this. He actually bought a similar pouch for himself. It wasn't as form fitting but still! He was a little surprised that I didn't find it exciting. LOL