Beauty Uncensored: Fall Fashion for the Rest of Us

As your beauty correspondent, I’ve been closely monitoring the fall fashions coming out of Paris right now, and I have some good news: the styles this season are remarkably easy to imitate!
    Yes, with a little imagination, a set of Bumpits, and an extra sharp hunting knife, you too can look as though Anna Wintour gave up her position at Vogue in order to become your personal shopper. Need proof? No problem!
    If you’re anything like me, you scramble out of bed at 6:15 a.m. and have more than a little trouble trying to dress in the dark while your husband snores away. Shirts and jeans are pretty easy to locate, but finding a bra can be a different story. Louis Vuitton understands.

The model wearing this number (which I call “The Peekaboob”), appears to have just rolled out of bed herself, which makes me feel like we have a lot in common. You can bet I’ll be copying this look one morning soon as I walk my daughter to school. I imagine heads will turn as the moms (and dads, for that matter) pause to marvel at my fashion prowess.

Speaking of mornings, at Prada this season, it’s all about the bedhead. Forget those annoying brushes and combs and all that ozone-depleting “product.” Let your hair do whatever the hell it wants and you, too, can be one haute mama.

Of course, if you insist on doing a 'do, be sure and buy yourself a pack of  Bumpits first. I’m proud to say I was on this trend months ago, and now it’s all the rage in Paris! Bump, bump, bump it up — preferably when going to the movies or TPAC. The people seated behind you will love you for it!

I adore this look by Lanvin because it’s all about recycling — a trend that never goes out of style! Here in Tennessee, animal pelts are a dime a dozen. What to do with that skunk you saw out on Highway 100? Turn it into a stole! How about the crow that’s beak-up in your backyard? Use those feathers to make an uber-stylish hat! As for the neighbor’s troublesome mutt? The secret’s in your sleeves! Why make an expensive shopping trip to Paris when you can find high fashion on the side of the road?

Designer Haider Ackermann clearly has moms in mind this season, designing clothing that appeals both to breastfeeders and to those with a predilection for high-waisted mom jeans. I’m betting you won’t even be able to count the number of whispers and stares you’ll get if you opt to wear this look to your next MOMS Club meeting! What can you say? You have a flair for fashion!

The circus is coming to town and you are more than ready to take a turn in the ring, thanks to designer Erdem! Send in the clown, baby!

You always knew you’d kept your hospital gown for a reason after that overnight stay in ’06. This fall, wear it with pride — and when people ask what your deal is, whisper knowingly, “Bottega Veneta, darling.”

Having a fat day? Pull out that Galliano! This season, his ensembles hide all your trouble areas — and then some!

And finally, there are days when it all just goes to hell. With his Fall 2009 collection, Alexander McQueen tells today’s woman, “It’s okay to be a trainwreck.” Just smear on some red lipstick and GO CRAZY.

Seriously. Do it. And be sure to take a picture and send it to me when you do.