Beauty Uncensored: Bump It Up!

As soon as I saw the commercial, I knew I had to have them.

“Now you can go from flat to fabulous!” the announcer cooed. And she wasn’t talking about my bra size … She was talking about my hair.

Bumpits are the best as-seen-on-TV item since the (Cult of) Snuggie. Put a Bumpit in your hair and in seconds, you too can have a huge lump on the top of your head!

“Feel confident and beautiful, like you just stepped out of a salon!” the announcer warbled.

I was in. I got online and ordered a set of Bumpits, which at first seemed to be a pretty good deal. I would get two regular-sized Bumpits, one Hollywood-sized Bumpit (so high only Elvira has any right to wear it), and two bang-sized Bumpits for only $19.99. Quickly, I placed my order. Or at least I tried to. Once I’d finished typing in my information, I was redirected to another page.

“Do you want to add Wedding Bumpits to your order?”

I clicked the “no” box. Another page appeared.

“Do you want to add SnapIts to your order?”

No. Another page.

“Do you want to add a comb made of cheese to your order?”

No. ANOTHER PAGE.

“Do you want to add a live monkey to your order?”

NO!

Finally, I managed to order my Bumpits, and I was absolutely shocked to discover after I’d submitted my order that shipping and handling charges were $14.90! For a couple of plastic hair doodads! Then, I discovered at the very bottom of the page that I needed to allow two to six weeks for delivery.

I couldn’t imagine what the deal was. The only way this kind of thing would be appropriate is if the Bumpit factory is located in Antarctica, and each Bumpit is meticulously handcrafted by a 93-year-old man, who was taught the fine art of Bumpitry by his great grandfather.

I contemplated canceling my order then and there, but I really, really wanted to have that lump on the top of my head. So I waited. And waited. And waited. And waited.

And finally, exactly six weeks after placing my order, my Bumpits arrived. In the mail. With a stamp that said the package cost something like $1.93 to send.

GAH.

I quickly got past my irritation, ripped into my Bumpits, and ran upstairs to try them out. And I have to say, the Bumpit is remarkably easy to use. I brushed some hair forward, sat a Bumpit on the top of my head, and brushed my hair back over it.

Instant Bump!

Check it!

What I didn’t like about my Bumpit is that it looked kind of weird. The Bumpit is shaped like a crescent and the crescent is a little smaller than the average person’s head, so you end up with more of a cone effect when you “Bump it up.” Also, the bump is enormous, even when you’re using the regular size. It’s a good look for the B-52s, but I’m thinking it would be too extreme for most women.

Even worse, while from the front my Bump didn’t look too bad, from the side it was bizarre. My head seemed to rise up in the back and then fall completely flat. I felt a little like I was wearing a fright wig.

That was what I thought. It was time to see what the real world had to say. I wore my Bumpit to O’Charleys for dinner with my family.

As soon as I came downstairs and my husband saw me, he had one thing to say.

“I don’t like it.”

“What?!” I said. That was harsh. “Why not?”

“Because it’s weird,” he said. “It looks like you’re wearing a retro wig or something.”

I sighed and shook my head. “Bumpits are for any occasion,” I told him witheringly.

At the restaurant, the hostesses pointed at me and whispered and I got second glances from everyone. Particularly balding, middle-aged men.

“I’m definitely getting more looks from the dudes,” I told my husband gleefully.

“Well, it’s not because of that Bumpit,” he frowned.

“Yes it is!” I said. “They’re like, ‘She’s kind of cute and she clearly has bad judgment. SCORE!’”

From this road test, I can conclude that you will get lots of attention if you wear a Bumpit, and if you are on the market for balding, middle-aged men, the Bumpit is definitely for you!

I can also conclude that you should stay out of direct sunlight, because people will be able to tell that there is a hollow mass on the top of your head, and that’s just weird.

I think the Bumpit could be cute in certain circumstances, like a Halloween party or other over-the-top hair occasion. I also think I’d wear it with an updo. When I put my hair up behind it, it doesn’t look quite so strange. The funniest thing is that when I took the Bumpit out, my hair looked exactly like I would have wanted it to look in that particular style. There was a nice amount of lift behind my headband, but it wasn’t extreme. So I actually might try spraying the Bumpit into place while I’m getting ready, and removing it right before I leave. In fact, that might be the best possible use for the thing.

If they ever start selling Bumpits in stores, it might be worth a try. But in the meantime, $15 in postage and a six-week wait period make it totally not worth your time or money.

BUMPIT: FAIL.