Beauty, Uncensored: The Brazilian

Ladies, I have an announcement.
    THE EAGLE IS NOW … BALD.
    Yes, after years of flirting with the idea of getting a Brazilian wax, I finally did the deed and lived to tell you all about it.
    It couldn’t have come soon enough as far as my husband was concerned. When I began writing this column, I mentioned that I’d probably get a Brazilian at some point as part of the job. He’s been badgering me about it ever since.
    “What’s your topic for next week?”
    “The Bumpit.”
    “The BUMPIT?! What about the BRAZILIAN?! The women of Nashville want to know about the BRAZILIAN!”
    And so on.
    Finally, I stopped Hubs in his tracks by saying, “Look, why don’t you get the twig and berries waxed, Hubs?”
    “Hell no,” he replied, scowling.
    “Yeah,” I said. “When you get your nards waxed, you can tell me to get a Brazilian, mkay?”
    From then on, he remained silent, resorting only to a pleading look from time to time. But it wasn’t until this week that the stars aligned and a Brazilian seemed more appropriate than ever.
    For one thing, I’m going to the beach next week for the first time in years. The thought of shaving stray pubes and wearing a sandy swimsuit every day just wasn’t very appealing.
    For another, Hubs’s birthday is this week.
    So, um …
    Happy birthday, Hubs.
    But you don’t really care about the backstory, do you? You just want to know what happened to my hoo ha.
    Okay, okay. Here goes.   
    I went to Wax Nashville after hearing/reading rave reviews about the owners’ mad Brazilian waxing skills. One piece of advice I have gotten over and over again is that you do not want to get yourself a back-alley Brazilian. This is the type of thing a girl splurges on, and splurge I did, to the tune of $75, plus tip.
    As soon as I walked in the door, Brook, one of the owners, put me at ease. She totally looked and acted like one of my girlfriends. We might as well have been meeting for drinks at Tayst, except that instead of heading for a patio table, we went to a closet-sized room and she told me to strip from the waist down.
    I did so and sat on a padded table with a towel on my lap, waiting for Brook to return. Nervously, I looked at the walls for claw marks. I found some, whimpered a little, and looked away.
    When Brook returned, she assured me it wasn’t going to be that bad. Then she handed me a ball to squeeze for the pain. She told me she could leave a “landing strip” down there, or get rid of the hair altogether.
    “I want it all gone,” I told her quickly. “All of it.” Now, I know some of you disagree with that look, but I’ll be honest with you. There is nothing about pubes that I like. Nothing. If I was going to do this, I was going all. the. way.
    Brook had me lie down with my legs Indian-style, and then she got to work. She brushed on small strips of wax, let them sit for a moment, and then quickly ripped them off. It was what I had expected, and yet it wasn’t.
    For one thing, the ripping didn’t really hurt that bad, although a couple of pulls were worse than others. The hot wax was way more uncomfortable, coupled with the fact that she put wax on the same areas several times in order to get rid of every last hair.
    The other thing I wasn’t expecting was that my appointment lasted nearly half an hour, from start to finish. Let’s just say I am not exactly an ape woman, so I didn’t think it would take very long. But it is an involved process, and Brook is extremely thorough, even using a high beam light and tweezers at the end to get any strays.
    I knew a Brazilian would be, um, intimate, but now I’m convinced that Brook knows me better than anyone in Nashville besides my husband. Think of all the nooks and crannies where pubes can hide. She found them all. The Brazilian is definitely not for the faint of heart.
    On the upside, Brook is chatty and that (along with the four ibuprofen I took before my appointment) really helped me deal with the discomfort.
    “How many of these do you do a day?” I asked her.
    RIPPPPP.
    “Oh, sometimes six or seven. In fact, my co-owner and I counted a few months ago, and we’ve done more than a 1,000 … ”
    RIPPPPP.
    “ … since we opened a year ago.”
    We discussed women who couldn’t deal with the pain.
    “I get some crybabies,” she admitted. “But I just talk them through it.”
    RIPPPPP.
    “Has anyone ever left in the middle of it?”
    “Just one. But she was very pregnant, and it was her first wax ever.”
    RIPPPPPPPPPPPPP. I squeezed my pain ball.
    “We both agreed it would be better for me to stop after a few minutes,” Brook went on. “I didn’t want to send her into labor or anything!” She giggled.
    Brook also informed me that they’ve started waxing men. I couldn’t even imagine. Talk about awkward.
    At last, she was done. It felt a little sensitive, but no more than if I had shaved my bikini area. Brook handed me a mirror, and that was the most embarrassing part of the appointment.
    “You can take a look and tell me what you think,” she said.
    I held up a mirror to The Area and looked down. OMG. “Oh, hey! Yeah, there it is! Good job!” I said brightly, handing the mirror back to her. Brook laughed.
    And that was that. Right now, three hours later, it doesn’t hurt a bit, but there’s still some redness. You won’t want to do it the same day as your big hoo ha hoedown, but you could probably do it the day before and be fine.
    If I can get up the nerve to go back, a maintenance wax costs $65, every four to six weeks.
    We’ll see. Or rather, I will. You won’t. Uhhh. You know what I mean.

Comments

mandyhornbuckle's picture

Oh Lindsay, you are a brave woman. I love my husband a lot, but I don't think I love him enough for that!!

QueensServant's picture

Just an FYI: I promise you that a razor and some Nair for the, um, really nether regions, works JUST as well.

Promise.

Signed,
One of the ones that couldn't get talked through the pain

Bren's picture

The hoo ha hoedown is too funny! Can't imagine I will ever have that done but good for you for giving it a try! Hope the hubs enjoys his "present"!

Lindsay Ferrier's picture

I have tried to do it myself. NEVER AGAIN. NEVER. AGAIN.

Razor is fine for a day, but it is soooo uncomfortable when the regrowth happens. The Brazilian lasts 4-6 weeks, people!! And I've heard the first wax is definitely the worst...

FranklinBusyBeeMommy's picture

I could honestly never imagine doing that job- especially waxing a man- awk-ward!

PamelaB's picture

I get a regular wax down there every year before our beach vacation, but never the whole thing. I just get a little off the sides. That's painful enough for me.

Lindsay Ferrier's picture

The "sides" hurt worse than any other part.

Heavenly Life Sarah's picture

I'm still working up the courage to do this one day. And have been working it up for several years now. It's not the pain I'm too concerned about, it's the flopping open, indian-leg-style, with a stranger all up (er, down) in my nethers. I'm sure I'd faint from loss of blood flow to anywhere by my sizzling red cheeks.

Someday...someday...

Someday all my hair will fall out from old age.

volcat0197's picture

I'm sure Brook is great but you should try Gracie's. She's in Berry Hill and FAST. I was in an out in 15 minutes the last time and she did a fantastic job.

She's quite the character too, which was good for me because it distracted me from the fact that I was getting hair ripped from my nether regions.

I've also had pregnant friends go to see her and she's been able to A. tell a couple of them they were pregnant before they even knew, and B. tell them what sex the baby was before they knew. Not lying.

ClassyFabSarah's picture

I have been thinking of doing this for years. You have definitely put me in the pro-Brazilian category, and I just don't know if I can live with the suspense of knowing if I'll like it much longer...

Kay's picture

I've never gone complete - and not because of the pain factor, just because of the embarrassment factor. Uhm... no thank you. I get myself all nervous and worked up, then always realize it's not as bad as I was expecting it to be - every single time.
For now, I'll just stick with the razor. Besides being painless, it's a helluva lot cheaper that way!!!

captchaos37206's picture

I miss SoBe not just for the beach but also b/c do my own brazilians now. talking with the pros before starting was a must. now it's old hat, but so time consuming i put them off as long as possible. I miss my SoBe girls who had me in & out in 10 minutes

ChristmasJones's picture

and she dances pubeless on the Brazilian sand (at Ipanema Beach no less)! Now, I'm sure that was NOT quite Duran Duran's version, but in my opinion, there is nothing sexier than a pube-free nah nah for a beach vacation, and even just.,..well, everyday life. I hate, hate pubic hair! So gross. And some bikini bottoms are cut just so that you really do have to get rid of it ALL. Great article Lindsay!

Lindsay Ferrier's picture

One word?

FREEEEEEEEEEDOM!

hhartsog's picture

After reading this and thinking on it for a bit, I decided to go to Wax Nashville and do the deed. I think this article really prepared me for what I was getting into. And I agree about the wax. Other than a super sensitive area, I would have to say the wax was worse than the pull.

Jade's picture

It was really brave what you did, indeed. I also believe a husband must be surprised from time to time. I actually went to a plastic surgeon Houston has to see if I can get my breasts enlarged. I'm sure my hubby won't mind it at all.

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