Match.com

In the wake of the recent flood and the outpouring of flood-inspired volunteerism, I was planning to write this month’s column on opportunities to meet your future mate volunteering. That was before I chose to spend my volunteer equity on fostering flood-rescue kittens. As a result, what was once a three-cat household, already teetering on the edge of Too Much Baggage, has turned into an eight-cat household, aka Downright Unmateable.

“You what?” my sister screamed into the phone. “Now you’ll never get a boyfriend!”

Sheryl Crow said love is free, but I’m starting to wonder.  This email from Match.com appeared in my inbox today: “Love is on sale: save 25% this fall!” Then there was my recent run-in with a singles group we’ll call “Happenings & Activities” for purposes of this story.

I’m not ashamed to admit I’m a card-carrying member of Match.com. Dating’s tough, my friends, and you might as well explore all your options. But I’ve been on these dating websites so long that lately the online dating profiles are starting to sound like a broken record. Like digging through a table of sweaters at a garage sale and finding every sweater the same old same old — beige with a hole in the armpit. Here’s my (annotated) version of the typical profile I’m finding on the online-dating shelves these days: