Her Humor

If the Diva Cup isn't your cup of tea, perhaps you might consider Annuale, a continuous-dose birth control pill specially formulated by the writers of Saturday Night Live.
Thank you reader Nicole for hipping me to this skit.
HILARIOUS.

My grandmother had eleven children.

ELEVEN.

Just thinking about it makes me want to take out my collection of cocktail shakers and make sure all the parts are working properly.

Clearly, whoever uttered the words “no more Mr. Nice Guy” has never encountered my husband. The man is like a malfunctioning gumball machine; dispensing shiny balls of kindness to every stranger we meet. 

Have you ever suspected you might be one of the 80 percent of women who are wearing the wrong size bra? Have you ever considered going to a department store to be properly fitted once and for all? Have you ever thought you might rather brush your teeth with a rusty brillo pad than stand half-naked under fluorescent lights while a stranger manhandles your hooters?

Macy’s is here to help!

Good news for you witty Twitterers! A new book called Twitter Wit is coming out in the fall of this year, featuring the funniest tweets on Twitter. The New York Times blog has a write-up about the book, which will feature big-names and no-names alike.

--Mommy, you gots a big fat belly!
--Thanks, Patrick.
--You gots a baby in your belly?
--No. I don't.
--Me neither.

I’m all for lively conversation and moving beyond small talk, but how do you respond when someone you don’t know very well, in casual conversation, describes herself as “a very sexual person”?

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

AND WHY DO YOU FEEL I NEED TO KNOW IT?

Believe it or not, this has happened to me several times. And I have yet to craft an appropriate cocktail-party protocol for responding to the Very Sexual Person. 

If you have any ideas, let me know. So far I've got:

Dear Kathy Ireland's Marketing People,

Of all the taglines you could have written to capture the essence of the Kathy Ireland Jewelry brand, you thought this one made the most sense?

"Finding solutions for families. Especially busy moms."

REALLY?

Me: "Oh, I'm so overwhelmed! I can't seem to make my husband breakfast, get myself ready for work, and still get my kids off to school on time!"

Kathy Ireland: "Here, try this diamond pendant."

Ahh, Mother's Day. The one day a year my family is legally obligated to pick up their socks, and I won't be home to witness it. (Cue world's tiniest violin). In a few hours I'll be heading to the southernmost reaches of Georgia for my cousin's wedding. It's a ten hour drive that will give me plenty of quiet time to reflect on what it means to be a mother. Or I might just stare out the window in silence and think WHOLE thoughts, one after another. Or I might just drool. I haven't decided.

Sometimes I wonder whose side my husband is on. First he brought the boys a “Totally Gross Home Chemistry Kit”:

Me: Why is that in my house?
Him: The experiments aren’t that messy
Me: Then why is everyone wearing goggles and raincoats?

And now The XTreme Ant Sports Park.

Has this man not met me? Does he not understand my goals and objectives in this life?

I want to keep the bugs OUT of our house, not offer them a cool place to hang out and do drugs with their friends.