The Secret to Getting Fit in Winter

For years, I’ve avoided the YMCA fitness center. I use the pool with the kids all summer and take the occasional spin class, but for the most part, I’m a runner. I run outside. It’s WHO I AM. Unless it’s 17 degrees and snowing in Nashville. Then who I am is a woman clinging to her glass of Chianti and a large brick of Vermont white cheddar. The thought of sweating it out in place—be it on a StairMaster or an Elliptical or (horror!) a treadmill—surrounded by 50 other people, is just GAH! Horrible. How could I zone out with so many rows of people in the same zone?

I’ll tell you how.

CRAPPY REALITY TV! Did you know they have little personal televisions attached to every machine at the Y? I HAD NO IDEA! And before you act all amazed and disgusted that I didn’t know this, ask yourselves, did any of you call and tell me? Did you send a note? Did you shoot me an e-mail? What good are you? 

All this time, my husband’s been trotting off to the Y to work out with his iPod or magazine in hand, never once mentioning all the TOTALLY AWESOME CABLE CHANNELS.

Dude.

If I had known I could be watching Stacy and Clinton rescue some poor former ballerina from her frumpy plus-sized jeans in What Not to Wear, instead of running around Nashville with frost clinging to my ass like barnacles I WOULD HAVE QUIT RUNNING A LONG TIME AGO.

We don’t have cable. Can you tell?

Last night while on the Elliptical, I watched in delighted horror while two raspy voiced cougars duked it out over a 25-year-old metro-sexual named Shay in the VH1 “Docu-Soap” Secrets of Aspen. Wretched women! Robin was all “Ooh, Laura, I want to meet that guy!” And Laura was all, “I’ll introduce you!” And Robin was all, “Wow! That’s so nice of you, Laura!” Oh please, Robin. Don’t be so stupid. Laura is evil and unstable and everyone in Aspen knows it. Sure enough, while Robin and Shay were dancing, Laura slinked over and lured Shay off to the bathroom “for some FRESH AIR.” Horrid! Horrid! Horrid people! I burned 400 calories without feeling a thing!

Is it too late to make a New Year’s resolution?

Because I am, like, totally committed to working out more.